Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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