just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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