Only a mothe r could love this liver
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
