Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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