I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
