Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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