There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
