I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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