He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
