Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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