I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
