You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize