FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
