Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
