The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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