Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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