I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
