he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
