Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
