Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
