Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize