I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
3pm strippers are depressing
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
