you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Four minutes until I can fart!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
