Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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