life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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