If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
