At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
