I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
