they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
