Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
