had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
