I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize