thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
