i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
