I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
