my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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