That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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