no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
