I'm eating all of the evidence.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
