well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
