remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
