The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You ate ashes out of my bong
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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