The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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