It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
