between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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