But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
