everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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