Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
