i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
