I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
