I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
