Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
