we have pet lesbian snakes
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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