I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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